I am a horrible person. In fact if one has any sort of regard for the character I espouse I will most likely let that person down. It is not that I feel elate at the disappointment I inflict upon a peer but rather simply I do not understand other human beings and they complicate my order of things. Innately I am solitary and antisocial; consequently, exclusivity and radical individualism are things that I find incompatible with most people. The overall outlook I have toward human beings is rather low and there are not many things which I hold in common with others, not that I am complaining nor to imply a wish of having things in common with “common folk.” People are generally a cup of tea that I do not care for. There is one thing certain that I am resolved in relation to people and their opinion of the sort of character I manifest, if expectations are set I will nonetheless fall well below them.
As it turns out in order to be self-gratified and to exploit, people generally are tools manipulated by other human beings. Man as he has demonstrated is an animal, a roaming beast that preys upon his peers. Additionally to get what he wants the beast in man manipulates and takes full advantage of his fellowman. Moreover, although this “psychic vampirism” can seem to be imperceptible to the unaccustomed eye, when pointed out one can perceive this phenomenon to begin to take place virtually everywhere there is human interaction. Certainly it seems at some point that human life; behaviors, positions and objects have become a mere barter or auction. Clearly then the term “friend” becomes a superficial and most trivial one. Indeed perhaps one’s “friends” are only “friends” for the sole purpose to acquire a specific commodity. But on the other hand however, somewhere along the way I have lost nearly all desire to get a particular something from another human being: be it a gratifying situation, a promotion, an item they may occupy, et cetera. They possess nothing to offer in the way of stimulating physically or emotionally. The need to be enriched by other human beings has faded and the line separating reclusion has blurred.
What’s more is that I find a degree of withdrawal toward the few whom I do hold in esteem. Furthermore, a sincere invitation to visit from loved ones I will inevitably pass up no matter how much I have missed them; the full reason I am not entirely sure but perhaps to some extent there is an anxiety attached in venturing into the outside world. The thought of social interaction is an increasingly repugnant notion. I derive more enjoyment composing a piece of music than babbling about recent affairs. Thus consequently I disappoint those whom I regard with respect however as indirect as it may not appear. A selfish behavior, surely! I have no problem admitting that and I have begun to work on maintaining desirable relationships. Further following this anxiety attached to social interaction; another reason for antisocial behavior presents itself as a dissociative disorder. Depersonalization disorder has viewed itself tear at what scant sanity I have left. It’s partly triggered by crowds and noisy environments thus another reason to avoid people and stressful situations. The mere chatter of one’s voice is enough to send the mind into a “panic episode.” Hence an environment of contrived occupation such as a night spent composing music is preferable over meaningless babble.
Undoubtedly it may come as no surprise that one will find that I am a cynic, a pessimist, Satanist, and all around horrible person among many other things. I could never seem to fit into social circles moreover relate or identify with other people. One of the few things that could even come close was music. A ritual of and in itself; hence I could express emotions, behaviors and events aurally and otherwise exorcise abhorrent feelings and thought processes. Generally I have never understood people and am most likely regarded with disappointment when they come around, as I will sooner or later let them down perhaps due to lack of interest. In this light I typically try to avoid establishing relationships with new faces. I am quite satisfied with what little friends I do have, so thanks but no thanks. In observation on a different note what’s further interesting to point out about people is how most of them act, react and judge emotionally, a sort of “gut feeling” perhaps even a whimsical inclination. Hence similarly a good lot of them construct standards and expectations as big as their ego for other’s to live up to and are hard-pressed for compassion once those standards and expectations are broken, furthermore oftentimes even showing scorn. Consequently when such expectations are inevitably set and thrown upon me I will nonetheless fall well below them.
Concluding these matters, generally speaking human beings are lower than vermin. They will never cease preying upon the living no matter the vehicle of conflict they may take be it religious, political, social ad noiseam. Undoubtedly a common ground will never be reached in the way of “morality” or the idealism of “the way things should be” and “right and wrong”/”good and evil.” The mere thought of the genocidal agendas in regard to religion specifically is absurd. Accordingly I tend to view the whole lot of the above mentioned religious types as children on a playground in an escalating trivial argument about the correct name of a character on a cartoon, which inevitably ends in a physical fight all the while none of them having the correct name of the character. Such religious trifles and bullying are childish at best. On the flip side of the coin look at all the pseudo-friends and fake companions in one’s life. The “psychic vampire” will surely drain one of all life force and resources. If one happens upon any sort of object or emotion or construction that brings to himself happiness one is sure to find the “psychic vampire” lurking in the shadows to rob him of pleasure. Is there any wonder left why I have stopped bothering with people? There is one thing for certain in light of all this madness, if a good thing exists human beings will invariably fuck it up.